The Darker Side of Ayame Sohma
by Jiia-chan
Summary: The prelude to Click I wasn't going to write. It follows Aya's descent into selfdestructive behavior. ShonenAi warning. May also contain a Yaoi lemon at a future time. on hiatus
1. Chapter 1

This is the begining of the prelude/epilouge to 'Click'. The entire Ayame-hurting-himself thing was started because of a discussion I had with a friend about the masks people wear. The happier the mask, the sadder the person. So I thought, who looks happier than Ayame? Click came first as a project in L.A. We were supposed to write a script/transcript of a event involving angst or irony. The discussion was still bouncing around in my head, so out it came. For I long time, I didn't dare post anything on here, but when I got over it, Click got put in here. It's one of the stories I'm most proud of. Still, it didn't really feel finished, so I started writing this prequel, The Darker Side of Ayame Sohma. It begins a month before Click and follows Aya's slow descent. I wrote it mainly because I wanted to, but after being asked for another chapter and some questions raised by certain people (you know who you are) I decided to post it as a seperate story. As the name suggests, The Darker Side will be a lot more serious as both Aya and the others try to figure out what is going on. There will be random transcript chapters put in from time to time in keeping with the theme, but most of it will be third person. Aya, although the central character, won't have any portions from his perspective, as Shigure and Hatori are really in a much better position to figure out his mind than he is. May also contain a lemon at one point.

Disclaimer- I don't own them. Wish I did. Also wish I had a bajillion dollars and a private Caribean island to which I could retire with my charming and dashing lover. But I can only dream. And dress warmly.

Anyway, enough rambling. On with the angst!

The Darker Side of Ayame Sohma

_Ayame walked alone down the empty halls of his high school. Each of his footsteps echoed through the lonely halls like a gunshot, shattering the spooky peace. Aya had the distinct feeling that he shouldn't be there, but… something was drawing him forward._

_He felt, more than heard, the presence of the man in front of him and looked up. Shigure stood at the end of the hall, arms crossed over his chest, a smug look on his handsome face. _

_Ayame tried to greet him, but no words came out. He touched his throat, wondering what was going on, and was shocked to see blood on his hands. He felt along his throat, feeling the edges of the gapping gash on his throat but not believing it was there. Then, he realized that crimson blood was gushing from jagged slashes all the way down his arms as well, covering his entire naked body in sticky heat. They were laughing at them, the ones all around. They closed in on him, pinning him in the middle of their taunting ring. The students of his old high school, customers in his shop, even random people in from the streets, all laughing at him. He whirled around, desperate for a friendly face._

"_Stop it! Why are you laughing? I'm bleeding, can't you see, I'm hurt, I'm going to bleed to death, why are you laughing at me?" He screamed, shrinking in on himself as they all seemed to get taller. He whirled again as he felt the ghost of a breath on his bare shoulder and looked into Shigure's deep brown eyes._

"_Their laughing at you, Aya." said Shigure without moving his lips. _

"_Why, Shigure, why are they laughing? I'm hurt, I'm bleeding, I'm dying Shigure, help me!" Aya sobbed and collapsed into his arms. Salty tears poured from his eyes and choked sobs wracked his body as Shigure gently held him._

"_Their laughing at you, Aya, because you're funny .You're weird. You're queer. You're fucking hilarious. " _

_Aya froze, shivering. This didn't sound like Shigure any more._

"_That's right, my little snake. I'm the only one who will ever hold you gently, even in your dreams. That bastard dog just wants to fuck your pretty little brains out." Akito's poisonous tongue darted out, stroking the curved inside of Aya's ear. _

"_No… Shigure… Loves me…" Aya whispered, shuddering from head to toe._

"_Then why does he never hold you? Neither the dog, nor the dragon, will ever wrap you lovingly in their arms as I do. Only I will ever hold you softly. Only I will ever kiss you like you were a man instead of a blown-up doll. Only, I, Ayame. Only I." Ayame said nothing. He simply cried. _

Ayame was smiling, but he wasn't happy. Shigure knew it. If Aya thought he didn't see the way he pretended to eat, the way he had to do things two or three time before he got them right… The way he flinched away from even Shigure's most innocent gestures… Then Aya was a dimmer bulb than he thought. Still, it was Aya's life. If Aya wanted to tell him, then he would. It wasn't his place to ask, and he probably wouldn't tell Shigure if he did. Ayame leaned on Hatori when times got bad. So did Shigure, actually. And when times got bad for Hatori, well, they were all lost.

Shigure watched Aya stumble about the small kitchen he kept in the back of his shop, preparing tea. He talked constantly, but Shigure didn't even hear it. He was watching.

Ayame had tied his hair back. Not braided it or anything, just pulled it back and tied it with a cheap pink elastic. He kept pushing at his bangs and flicking his hair over his shoulder like it was annoying him. He paced back and forth across the kitchen, wringing his hands. He kept wiping his palms on his frilly apron. He must have washed his hands twice in the last five minutes. To anyone else, he might have just looked a little too energetic for the task at hand, but to Shigure… something was wrong.

"So I said to him, why bother looking at other options? Your just going to come back here any-" Ayame was cut off as Shigure grabbed his arm and forced him to stop moving. As Shigure looked into his golden eyes, for the first time since he had met Aya, he saw in them genuine fear; fear of him. "Gure-san…?" Aya whispered, "You're hurting me…" Shigure let him go, and Aya stumbled backwards into the countertop.

"Damn it, Aya… You tell me everything but what I want to know." Shigure growled, not breaking eye contact. Aya stared at him for a long moment, in shock, then turned away.

"There's nothing to tell, Shigure. I have to get back to the shop." Aya walked out into the front area without another word. For a long moment, Shigure stood there, staring at the place where his lover had once stood. Then he too turned and left, out the back way.

"Thursday, August 12, 1992, 5:34 pm. Dr. Sohma Hatori attending. Subject 492084, Sohma Ayame. Impromptu session."

"Do you really need that thing, Hatori? It irritates me. Can't we just talk like we used to?" Aya sighed, pacing back and forth across the already threadbare carpet in that particular section of Hatori's office.

"You know we can't do that, Ayame. As your psychiatrist, I have to maintain a professional distance." Hatori lent back in his chair, watching Aya with a concerned look on his face.

"Screw professional distance! I just want to talk to you, damn it!" Ayame practically shouted and collapsed into a nearby chair Hatori hastily scooted into place. He pulled his legs up to his chest and buried his face into the lavender fabric of his pants.

Almost absently turning off the tape recorder, Hatori pulled up a chair next to him. He gently touched Ayame's shoulder and frowned as Aya flinched away.

"What happened, Aya?" Tori whispered. Aya's only answer was a muffled whimper.

Hatori had the sudden urge to grab hold of Aya and never let him go. He wanted to hold him and let him cry on his shoulder and protect him from whatever it was that was hurting him. Something told Hatori that whatever he did, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't 'fix' Aya. Like he couldn't fix Kana. No, worse. He couldn't even cut Aya's pain out of his head.

"I had a dream, Tori-san…" Aya whispered. Hatori had to lean in to hear. "I had a nightmare. But it wasn't, because it was true. I'm all alone, Tori. I'm so alone…"

Hatori felt the edges of tears pushing at his eyes. Aya was his happiness. When he felt down, all he had to do was drop in on the normally charismatic snake and the world would seem right again. Seeing him like this made Hatori's sun burn out.

"You're not alone, Aya. You have me and Shigure and Mine and all the rest of us. We're all here for you."

Ayame looked up at him and smiled. It reminded him so much of Yuki's painful smile that for an instant, he wasn't sure if it was Aya or his younger brother sitting in that chair.

"Thank you, Tori-san. I know you are."

What that smile said was 'No your not. Your not here at all.'

Shigure was desperate. He couldn't find Ayame anywhere. He had called and left several increasingly frantic messages at both the shop and Ayame's house. Then he had visited both. He had called Hatori, and he said he hadn't seen the snake since yesterday. Shigure had even called home. It was like Ayame had dropped off the face of the earth.

"What if he's all alone and cold out there somewhere, in his snake form and helpless? What if he got eaten by a dog? Or a bird? Or what if…" Shigure glanced towards the house, thinking of Ayame's attitude over the past couple of days.

"Gure-san? What are you doing standing in the middle of my yard?" Ayame blinked, looking absolutely ridiculous in a giant straw sun-hat and a designer 'gardening' outfit. He looked like a French maid with kneepads.

"AYAME! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" Shigure practically launched himself at the startled snake, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him until his sun-hat fell off. "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY!

Batting his hands away and looking almost annoyed, Ayame bent to retrieve his hat. "Yuki isn't the only one with a garden, thank you very much. I'm glad you're worried about me, Shigure, but you rumpled the lace." Making a ridiculously cute pouty face, he crossed his arms over his chest, hat in one hand. Shigure laughed, more out of relief than anything, and wrapped his arms around the thin snake.

"I'm glad your all right… " Shigure whispered, kissing Aya's ear.

"I'd be better if we were inside doing something 'fun'…" Aya whispered back, nuzzling his neck. Shigure grinned and scooped the snake into his arms. Giggling like school girls, they went off to bide their time in the bedroom.


	2. The Second Dream

The Darker Side of Ayame Sohma Cp. 2

Hello again oh random people who bother to read this. Thank you for the review! It make me so happy... he he he... Anyways, this is sort of a filler thing that became a more important part of the story as I was writting it. This is the first sign Shigure has of trouble, although there will be many more to come. Also, I wanted to give Hatori a break from all the pciking I plan to do on him in the future. To answer your questions, darkest-noir, Aya hasn't started to cut himself yet. The first bunch of chapters are about how Aya came to cut himself in the first place. I think they'll be about four or five chapters, including these ones, about the period of time before he started. Then they'll be another one where Hatori finds out, and I might post Click here so it makes more sense as to the story line. After that, they'll be another bunch of chapters about what happens after. Also, I would like to conduct a mini-poll. I need to decide if the fic ends happy or sad. So, if you have an opinion, please review and tell me what you want. Also, I would like to know if anyone would want to read some lemons. Please review anyway, even if you don't have an opinion or do not care. Seeing the ReviewAlert things in my mailbox makes me want to write. ANYWAY I have been rambling. I don't own Fruits Basket. Wish I did. Wish I had a million dollars, too, but it ain't happenin. So don't sue me.

Shigure sighed happily and gazed up at the swirling lavender patterns stencilled into the stucco of Ayame's ceiling. The entire bedroom was decked out to look like heaven at dusk, from the swirling gold door handles on the closet to the soft pink and purple silk that created a hazy could around the delicate lily-motif four-poster bed. The owner and designer of this luscious sanctuary was currently curled up next to him, arms draped loosely around his arm. Shigure looked down at the sleeping snake and smiled, brushing silver locks out of his peaceful face. Whatever demons had taken hold the last few days seemed to be long gone.

Shigure really should have been going quite some time ago. Mitchan had been harping on him to get his latest book finished before the deadline for once, and he hadn't even started yet. Still, the room was free of squabbling children, the sky outside was clear and blue, and Aya was warm and comforting by his side. It was at times like these that Shigure was happiest, and he wasn't about to pass it up for another broken door.

"Uhnn…. Shii…." Aya murmured sleepily, squirming a little and tightening his grin on Shigure's arm.

" S'all right, Aya. I'm right here…" Shigure lent down to press a soft kiss into Aya's forehead.

Shigure felt his nose crack as Ayame's head whipped forward. Scrambling backwards, Shigure held his nose as blood gushed out from between his fingers. Ayame had sat up and curled into a tight ball, screaming at the top of his lungs into his kneecaps. When Shigure tried to touch him, he blindly lashed out, hitting Shigure upside the head with such force that he tumbled off the bed. Ayame never stopped screaming. He pulled at his long hair, rocking back and forth, shouting something that sounded like "Get the hell out of my head!" over and over. Shigure stumbled back onto the bed and crawled towards him, ignoring the pain of his broken nose for the time being. Wrapping his arms around the snake and forcing him to stay still, Shigure murmured to him as coherently and comfortingly as he could with blood running into his mouth and bells going off in his head.

Ayame stopped screaming and lent back against Shigure's chest, whimpering quietly. When he thought it safe, Shigure loosened his grip and reached for a box of tissues, both to wipe the tears of Ayame's face and the blood off his own. When Aya caught sight of the blood covering Shigure's face, he screamed again and ripped away as if Shigure was going to hurt him. Shigure wrapped him in his arms again and began the stream of words once more.

This time round, he waited for Aya to ask him to let go before doing so.

"I'm telling you, Hatori, he needs some help! Something is seriously wrong here!" Shigure shouted into the phone.

Hatori held the receiver about a foot from his ear and waited for the stream of cursing to end. Much to his credit, he managed to resist shouting back at the nearly hysterical dog, although his finger tapped quickly on the desk in the tell-tale manner that sent his secretary running.

"You don't just wake up screaming for no God-damn reason!"

Hatori sighed and answered in the calmest, most reasonable manner he could muster.

"I know, Shigure. I told you I'd talk to him later. For now, I think the most pressing matter is your nose. You need to get it set before-"

"Hatori. You're not listening to me. My nose doesn't matter. Aya needs-" Shigure cut him off before he could finish, so Hatori returned the favour.

"Don't you think I know what Aya needs? It's a nightmare, Shigure. People have them all the time. Even you, if I recall correctly." Hatori heard a crack and realized that he had snapped his pencil in two. The line was silent for several seconds.

"You bastard." Shigure hissed with more venom than Aya on a bad day. Hatori slammed the phone down and angrily tossed the broken pencil in the trash. He lent back in his chair and absently bit his knuckle, absolutely fuming.

It might have seemed that Hatori was over-reacting just a little. But in truth, that phone call had just been the final straw. He had phoned Aya earlier that morning to schedule an appointment, and Aya had absolutely refused to see him until he got over that 'stupid professional distance crap'. Hatori had then proceeded to review the tapes and the notes he had made during their sessions. The more he listened and the more he read, however, the more he was convinced Aya needed him. He had called again, and there had been no answer. Then he had seen Ayame's name on the call display and had be certain that Aya had reconsidered coming in.

Hatori wasn't sure what to do. He knew better than Shigure how much help Aya needed, but what was he supposed to do? If Aya didn't want help, Hatori couldn't legally force it upon him until he deliberately hurt himself or others. Besides, how could he really help him when Aya wouldn't tell him what was going on?

Hatori sighed wearily and grabbed his coat and the emergency medical kit he always kept near the door. Shigure's nose needed to be fixed and he wanted to talk to Aya before he had time to make up a cock-and-bull story.

The next chapter will be a transcript. Mostly. Also, will have some sound effects not suitable for younger viewers. Like 'Mmph' and 'Uhnn'. Will also involve more beating on Shigure. See ya next time, folks!

Love ya, Jii.


	3. Session Four

DSOAS3

Holy cow... It's been forever since I updated this. And I mean, forever. Like, two years. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to forget about this! It's just that I've had so many other stories to do... But I've updated it now. So there. I have another chapter written already, I just need to proof it and such. ALSO! I am taking Click off of the man boards. I'm going to plunk it into this story, when it's ready. So those of you who like Click, never fear! It will return! I hope you enjoy this strange little transcript chapter. Aurevuoir! (Can you tell I don't take french?)

* * *

Dr. H: Wednsday, May 7, 1992. 4:30 pm. Dr. Sohma Hatori attending. Subject 492084, Sohma Ayame. Session number four. 

Subject: Will you stop it already? I'm not one of your skitzo brain cases. I had a bad dream, that's all. I keep telling you people, I'm fine.

Dr. H: No, Ayame, you're not fine. You're in pain. I want to know why.

Subject: Of course I'm in pain. I was having a nice afternoon with Shigure. That kind of thing always makes me a little sore.

Dr. H: Cut the crap, Aya! You know what I'm talking about.

Subject: Ok, Ha-san. Whatever you say. Can I go now?

Dr. H: No. Sit back down. You're not leaving till you tell me what's bothering you.

Subject: A bad dream! Even the animals of the Zodiac are entitled to bad dreams every once in a while! Look, it's no big deal. Shouldn't you be taking care of Shigure's nose?

Dr. H: Shigure's going to be fine.

Subject: Great. Then leave me alone.

Dr. H: No. Aya, this isn't about Shigure's nose.

Subject: Sure it is. That's why you care, right? I hurt someone, and you're afraid that I'll do it again. Well, allay your fears, my stoic friend. I shall allow no one else to come to harm by my beauteous hands. Now let me go.

Dr. H: Aya, there's something wrong with you. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't let me!

Subject:…

Dr. H: Ayame?

Subject: You're right, Hatori. There is something wrong with me. But you can't fix it.

Scuff.

Dr. H: Ayame…

Subject: Mine's probably wondering where I am.

Sound of door opening.

Shigure: Whoah! Wadch da fade!

Subject: Oh, I'm so dreadfully sorry! I had NO IDEA you were listening at the door!

Door slams

Dr. H: …

Shigure: Dad cud hab gon a wibble bebber.

Dr. H: Sighs Yes, it most certainly could have.

Dr. H: I'm worried about him, Shigure.

Shigure: Me do, Ha-san. Me do.

Click

* * *

Chapter four will appear eventually. Till then, Review me! It gives me inspiration to continue forgotten fics like this! 


	4. Reason

DSOAS4

Two weeks.

For two weeks, they'd watched him, kept an eye on him, made absolutely sure they knew where he was at all times. And in two weeks, nothing at all had happened.

Shigure didn't know whether to be worried or relieved.

Ayame seemed to be back to his old tricks. He was exuberant and cheerful around the shop. He was arrogant and irritating around his brother. Everything which Ayame always had been, he was again.  
Only he wasn't.

Always before, he had been with them. They were the Mabudatchi Trio. Together forever, until the very last. But Ayame wasn't with the two of them any more. He avoided them like white after Labour Day. Especially Hatori. If the dragon was in the room, he'd ignore him completely, as if he wasn't even there. And if Hatori tried to be alone with him, Ayame would come as close to panicking as Ayame ever got and just leave. He didn't want to talk to Hatori. That much was certain.

Shigure was nearing his breaking point. He had enough emotional strife to deal with from the kids. He didn't need any more. Ayame should just be as Ayame had always been and leave the mental breakdown for AFTER Shigure lost his litter of angsty teenagers. It was the least he could do. But that was a selfish, inconsiderate thing to think. Ayame needed his help.

"But why did he pick a time so damn inconvenient?" He sighed, tossing a pen across his haphazard home 'office'. "It's not like there's any particular reason for him to be acting up like this. Nothing's changed."

But something had, hadn't it? Torhu had shown up. The young maiden had been causing quite a stir among the entire Sohma family. Since her arrival, there had been more emotional upset than in almost his entire memory. Perhaps Ayame's dysfunction was just one more by-product of her presence.

"That's it." He smiled quietly to himself, regretting he no longer had a pen to tap against the desk. "It's all Torhu's fault."

Had he known the overly apologetic young woman was behind him at the time, he would have kept his mouth shut.

_"You're worthless." Akito mumbled, digging his fingers into Ayame's hips. "Even YUKI makes a better fuck than you. But I guess that makes sense. You ARE just a whore, after all."_

_"Please stop…" Ayame sobbed, trying to bury his face in his hands, only to realize his hands weren't there. "Please, Akitosan… Stop…"_

_"Stop?!?" Akito laughed, hamming into him once again. "Now you tell me to stop? Now, after all we've been through? What about the first time, you little slut? Why didn't you ask me to stop then?"_

_"I was ten years old!" Ayame screamed into his non-existant hands. "What was I supposed to do!"_

_"Oh no, don't you pin that on me!" Akito grunted. "I wasn't even born way back then! That was the old God's doing. You were already a whore when I got my hands on you." _

_"No…" Ayame whispered. "No…"_

_But despite all his words, all his protest, all his pain…_

_Ayame never once fought back._

* * *

_A short little chapter just to let you know I'm not dead. I've already got up to six written and typed, so don't worry about me leaving this for another couple of years. Just... remind me, ok? Send me reviews so I won't forget about this story's existance again. Thanks again, darkestNoir, for getting me back into the groove! Many updates to come! _


	5. Accident

_DSOAS 5_

_Mwahahaha... Chapter five already! I was begining to think I was never going to get past the first two... Mwahahaha. But anyways, here you are, all you lovely people out there. Chapter Five. I didn't actually begin this chapter with the intent of putting it into this story. In fact, it wasn't supposed to be Ayame at all. It was supposed to be part of one of my original stories, but that went fail and it seemed like such an Ayame thing to do. Cut himself chopping carrots. It also provided a wonderful opening for the whole 'when did Ayame start cutting himself' thing. Which is now. So... I'll let you read. _

* * *

The first time was an accident.

He had been chopping up a bunch of carrots to throw into a pot of miso. He got distracted by something (he couldn't even remember what) and the knife went _shlick_ into his finger and he felt nothing. A sudden explosion of warmth, heat gushing out all over his bloody palm, so warm when his skin was so cold. The pain didn't hurt like pain at all. He didn't get the _this is a bad thing _vibe. He didn't feel scared at all. Just… indifferent. But not indifferent, not really, because he didn't really know he was just standing there and the blood was everywhere and he was never going to get it out of his apron. He'd have to burn it, hopefully before Shigure decided to show up again.

He laughed. He laughed and laughed and it hurt to laugh, more than the cut on his finger. It hurt in his heart, because somewhere deep inside he knew he was already gone.

He put on a bandaid. He cleaned up the blood. The miso boiled over. He ordered pizza. Girlish figure be damned. And then he sat down on his couch with an open pizza box and a razor and he cut himself again, just to see if he was back to normal. He wasn't. It didn't feel good, not really, but it didn't hurt, either. Not like he wasn't used to hurting. It was kinda cool, actually. Watching the creepy-pale flesh of his bone-thin arm peel back and let out the hot torrent of red you'd never guess lay just beneath the ivory. Feeling the skin pull apart, splitting open. _Like the snake that I am,_ he thought, _shedding my skin._

But then he started to get dizzy and he realized he'd been sitting there bleeding all over his furniture for almost an hour and he'd probably die of blood loss if he didn't treat himself soon.

He hadn't cut that deep, but even small cuts can leak an awful lot if you keep poking at them.

He threw the cold, untouched pizza in the trash and went to sleep. He had his pillow and his glass of water all ready for the inevitable nightmares.

But… they didn't come.

He didn't dream. Not at all.

As he lay in the first burgeoning light of morning, Ayame really didn't know who to thank. God or the Devil.

If he had to pick, he'd run off with good ol' uncle Lu any time.

* * *

Shigure took a deep breath and rapped sharply on the door. He wasn't going to take no for an answer this time. Aya was going to tell him what was wrong. 

The door opened. Shigure opened his mouth, about to say something along the lines of "I don't know what's going on, Ayame, but I AM going to find out." Instead, he found a slightly less dignified version of 'oof' bursting forth from his compressed lungs as he got an armful of hyper-active snake.

"Gure-kun! I'm so glad you're here! I baked cookies! You've got to try some!"

He suddenly found himself sitting on the snake's couch, on top of a bloodstained cushion turned over, with what was apparently attempting to be gingerbread stuffed in his mouth and Ayame promising to get him some of the 'chocolate chip' as soon as they emerged from the smoky black inferno of the oven.

He was so dazed he never even noticed his lover wasn't wearing his apron.

* * *

_And thus the rational of Ayame for continuing to cut himself- it makes the nightmares go away. Next chapter- MINE-CHAN!!! (Maru, I almost wrote your name, but stopped myself just in time. Because it's not the Maru, it's the Mine, who is the Maru but that is not the Mine I am talking about and anyone who does not know who you are will be very confused so all of you just ignore this.) _


	6. Green?

DSOAS6

OMFG... I AM SO SORRY!!! I have been sitting on this chapter for forever. I thought I posted it! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!

Shigure: Slaps

Dazed. Oh...Whoa. Sorry 'bout that.

Shigure: No worries! It was fun.

Ok... Anyways... on with the story.

* * *

Mine was severely worried about her boss.

She knew Shigure and that nice doctor fellow thought Ayame had gotten over whatever bad patch he'd been through, but she knew better. She knew better than even his own brother. He didn't tell her anything, of course, but she was a woman. Women, especially women like her, had a radar for angst. Hers had gone off the instant she'd seen her employer's flamboyant act. People like Aya got more and more cheerful as the depression quotient rose. The more depressed they were, the more desperate to keep it a secret.

And she'd never seen him quite so bright.

And then of course there were the 'boo-boos'. Mine wasn't quite sure exactly how you got a half-dozen perfectly straight paper thin cuts of roughly the same size and orientation running down your arm in even intervals making miso soup. The one on his hand she could believe. But the ones on his arm? You had to try pretty hard to accidentally cut yourself way up there. But she didn't say anything. It wasn't her place. And besides, she'd had a couple of those kinds of accidents herself. She wasn't in any position to judge.

But if they got any worse…

If they looked like they might be doing serious damage…

If even just ONE left a permanent scar on Ayame's lovely skin…

God himself wouldn't be able to make her shut up.

* * *

Click.

Click.

Click.

Shrick.

Plip.

Plip.

Plip.

Ayame sighed happily, letting his head fall back against the wall. Yes indeed, bathrooms were much better places to do this in than living rooms. Less clean-up.

Really, what could have been better? A nice, hot bath. A bottle of straight vodka on the counter. A razor blade between his fingers. The hot blood running down his milky arm and staining the water…

Green?

What the hell?

* * *

Hatori froze, pen in hand, as the phone rang for the fifty millionth time. He slowly released his death grip on the poor utensil and brought the phone to his ear.

"What is it?" He half growled through gritted teeth.

"Ha-san! You're smart, right?"

"… Yes, Aya. So I would hope."

"You know stuff, right?"

"Does this conversation have a point, or are you just trying to annoy me?"

"Geez. Testy much?"

"_Point, Ayame._"

"Ok, ok, ok. Enough already. I just wanted to know if having your blood turn water green was something really, really bad or not. Nothing important. No big deal."

"…"

"So… Is it ok?"

"I think you should come and see me. I want to talk to you."

"No changing the subject. Tell me, Doctor, am I a goner?"

"It's fine. Small amounts of blood offset the water's refraction index just enough to… Ayame, what's wrong? Why do you want to know?"

"I told you, it's nothing! The razor bit me when I was removing the unsightly fuzz from my lovely legs, and the water went all… Green. I was curious, that's all."

"…Shaving your legs? You cut yourself shaving your legs?"

"Come on, Hatori. Don't tell me you're surprised! This is _me_, after all. There is a reason they didn't name me Grace."

"Ayame, you're a guy. And don't try and pull any of this 'how do you know' shit. I _know_."

"So what? Guys can shave their legs too. This conversation bores me, Hatori. I'm hanging up on you now."

"Ayame, wait! I still want to talk to-"

Cathunk.

"Hello?"

"Ayame?"

"Are you there?"

* * *

A/N: Ok… about this little convo… It was late, I had coffee, and it was way too entertaining. Firstly, don't try and tell me you can't see Aya shaving his legs. The Aya in my brain is more of a girly girl than I am. And of course, there is the slight tendency towards masochism becoming ever more obvious as time goes on. But yes… If none of this makes any sense, it's because I am having extreme difficulty seeing which flipping key I am typing and I'm not even certain what story I'm on right now so I guess I'm going to go to bed now before I get the L key imprinted on my forehead again.

Night night.

A/N#2: Ok... It is no longer an unsightly hour of the morning. And I am now realizing that the vast majority of people have NO IDEA what I'm talking about with the water turning green. And here is the reason why.

It isn't blood that does it. It's just my tub.

So very sorry to everyone. But... the entire premise of this chapter is based on that little misconception of mine. So I shall not correct myself.

With love, Jiia


	7. Diary

DSOAS

Updated because... Someone asked for it. And it was thier birthday. This is actually more of a rant than anything. I am having a bit of a "my soul dies every time I read/look at someone elses' writing/art and realize just how crappy I am" sort of month. Or two. Actually. Anyways... Yeah. Think of it what you will.

* * *

_Dear Diary_

_I did it again today. Cut myself, I mean. It wasn't really on purpose. I mean, it was, but not really. I didn't mean to do it, I just sorta did. It didn't hurt. Not in any way that mattered. _

_It makes me feel okay again, doing it. It makes me feel safe. Pretty twisted, huh? Slashing yourself up with a razor blade to make yourself feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. What a joke. I'm so screwed up it's funny. _

_But you know what? I know EXACTLY why cutting myself makes me feel the way I do. I know EXACTLY why I'm screwed up, how I'm screwed up. I understand it all, better than even Ha-san ever could. _

_And that's my problem, my real problem. I think about myself too much, I know too much about myself. I have looked my terrors in the face and I know them, and they are so much more terrible for it. Sometimes I wish that I could be like other people, blissfully unaware of who they really are, what they're really capable of. I'd love to indulge in a little self delusion every once in a while. But I'm too busy trying to delude everyone else. _

_Maybe if they knew who I really was, it would be easier. Maybe if they knew how they were hurting me, without even realizing, then they would stop and I'd really be ok again. Or maybe they'd just leave. Maybe they'd be so disgusted with the pathetic, selfish little worm that I am that they'd just walk away and leave me all alone. I couldn't handle that. I'd die. _

_My problems are pretty much the same as Yuki's, just with a different emphasis. I have the same abandonment issues as my poor baby brother. Our parents were just as cold to me as I was to him. It was like I didn't exist. That can REALLY screw a kid up. Make him into the pathetic attention whore I am today. It doesn't matter what I have to do, as long as all eyes are on me. If I talk loud enough, maybe someone will actually listen. Maybe someone will hear, and help me. _

_But they never do. It doesn't matter how loudly I shout, how outrageous I become, they never, ever get past the noise to what I'm really trying to say. They get so caught up with the advertisements that they forget the product entirely. It backfires. But that's ok. That's almost what I want._

_Because, you see, I have other issues as well. As much as I need attention, I'm also afraid of it. Attention isn't always good. It can be very, very bad. _

_So I'm stuck, you see. I am constantly afraid, stuck between two insatiable needs; the need to be seen, and the need to be invisible. I want everyone to look at me, and when they do, I hide from their eyes._

_That's why this happy act works so well. Everybody looks at me, but they don't really see me. I get the attention I want without the risk. Or at least, less of a risk than before. I can build a wall around myself, one no one will ever be able to get through. I become untouchable. A rock star, up on stage away from the screaming masses. _

_Heh… I like that. Ayame Sohma, rock star. _

_But… Someone's gotten through, haven't they? That girl… That Tohru. I don't even really like her, but she's somehow found a way on stage. I guess it's because she's everything I'm not. She's open, honest, caring. She has every reason to feel the same as me, as Yuki, but she doesn't. She faced the same obstacles as I did, but she succeeded where I failed. She is stronger than me. Better._

_I hate her. She throws my faults in my face with all that blunt, honest charm and then expects me to fix myself, just like that. Like I can just change who I am, if I could only realize what I was doing. Like it was that simple. _

_She doesn't know anything. She wants me to become friends with Yuki, well, sure, I want that too. But she wants me to be honest with him. She thinks being honest about my feelings, about why I am who I am, will somehow make him understand, and if he understands then he'll love me and we'll be one happy family again. But he won't, if he knew, if he really know who his brother was, then he'd hate me even more. He really would skin me alive. No… It'd be too much effort. He'd just leave me alone like I left him._

_I can't do it! I can't. I just can't. I'll lie, I'll just keep lying, and then I'll become the lie. If I believe in it hard enough, then it will come true. I really can be as shallow and cold as I make myself to be. Then it will all just slide off me, like rain off a window. Then I really will be untouchable. _

_Fuck. I'm not making any sense. I'm actually crying. Me, Ayame Sohma, crying. I'm such a loser. Heh, I wonder if Yuki's little friend would still call me "Commander" if he could see me now. All blubbery-eyed and sad, slitting my own wrist like some kind of suicidal teenager. He'd probably hurl._

_I'm tired. I want to go to bed, but I don't want to sleep. I don't want to dream. Maybe if I let enough blood out, I'll just feint. Maybe I'll actually die. That'd be nice. Sleep a dreamless sleep, unbothered by the constant terror of living, for all eternity. It's very appealing at the moment._

_But that whole 'life flashing before your eyes' thing would really suck. I try to think about my life as little as possible, and being reminded of all that sick shit would just make me cranky. _

_There I go again. Making fun, even in my 'most private' of places. Maybe I really am starting to become the lie. Meh. I don't even care anymore._

_I'm going to bed. _


	8. Phone Calls

DSOAS8

Hello again, people! This is Jiia. Sorry I haven't updated in so long! I didn't mean to make you feel abandoned! Big thank yous go to all the people who reviewed and reminded me that this existed. You make my day. I'm glad you all have such confidence in me. . Anyways, without any further ado, here is the eighth chapter of DSOAS. (Ps... Please don't kill me.)

* * *

June 7th, 1992. 10:06 AM

"Hello, you've reached the incorrigible Ayame Sohma. Please leave your name, gender, and sexual orientation after the tone and I'll get back to the interesting ones as soon as I can."

Beep

"Ayame-sama? Where are you? You said you'd be here early to help me organize the Tanabata sale, but it's already ten and you're still not here. You're not answering your cell either. Are you alright?"

"Ayame-sama, I'm going to hang up and try your cell again, just in case."

Click

June 7th, 1992. 10:30 AM

"Ayame-sama, why aren't you answering the phone? I know you're there. Just pick up."

"Please, Ayame-sama. Pick up the phone."

"Aya..."

Click

June 7th, 1992. 10:47 AM

"Ayame, this is Hatori. Are you there? Pick up the phone, Aya."

"Mine-san called me. She's very worried about you. We all are. We want to know if you're ok. Please, Aya, pick up the p-"

"Hatori..."

"AYA! Ayame, are you ok? You sound terrible! Are you sick?"

"I messed up, Ha-san. Didn't mean to, just sorta happened."

"What do you mean? What did you do? Aya?"

"Ha-san..."

"Aya! What is going on? What did you do?!"

"Don't tell Shi..."

Thump

"Ayame? What was that sound? Ayame?"

"Ayame?"

"I'm going over there right now. Just... Sit tight, ok?"

"Please, God, let this not be what I think it is."

Click

June 7th, 1992. 11:04 AM

"Hello, 911, what is your emergency?"

"My friend is bleeding to death. He needs an ambulance, immediately."

* * *

Noteness- Tanabata is actually on July/August 7th, but I am cheating and saying it is in June because THERE ARE NO HOLIDAYS that match my timeline. Not in Japan, not in America, not even in ENGLAND. Google does not lie. 


	9. Hatori Visits

DSOAS9

This is the first of three chapters that all take place on the same day. They're pretty much just various visits that Ayame gets whilst in the hospital. They were originally one chapter, but I've separated them in order to give me some time to get ahead of the mountains of work waiting to collapse upon me. I hope you all understand this, yes? Plus the chapter was about six pages long, with was way more than any of the others thus far.

Anyways, with love, as always, Jiia

* * *

"Can I ask just what you thought you were doing, cutting yourself like that?"

Hatori folded his arms across his chest, beaming a death-glare at the slender man lost in a sea of white sheets, white robes, white bandages stained with red. Ayame shot him a look that might have been intimidating if he hadn't looked like three shades of death warmed over. His pale skin was bleached with blood loss, and the heavy black circles beneath his eyelids spoke of many sleepless nights, far more than Hatori would have expected.

Very little was as he expected these days. He had known that Ayame had issues. He'd known for years, in fact. Long enough to get used to it, to become complacent. To accept Aya's broken laughter as normal, as good, in fact. He had fallen into the eternal trap. He'd begun to believe his best friend's beautiful lies.

He couldn't very well believe them now, not with the man's pain written cross his body in stitches and blood. He wouldn't be fooled by false smiles and hidden tears. Not anymore.

"I told you, Ha-san, it was an accident." Ayame flexed his slender fingers, obviously wanting to cross his arms over his chest but unable to do so because of the padded restraints the dragon had asked the nurse to put on.

He wasn't taking any chances.

"Like hell it was." He leant back in his chair, somehow managing to convey his rage in even the crossing of his long legs. "You've been cutting yourself for a long time, Aya. Don't bother lying; I've seen the marks."

"So what if I have?" The snake snapped, venom dripping from every word. "It's not like you care!"

The doctor's singular eye went wide. He recoiled from the seething man as if struck, normally pale skin blanching even further till he was almost as pale as Ayame.

"Of course I care! How could you say something like that? I'm your friend!"

"Oh, really?" Ayame spat, his beautiful golden eyes vivid with unrepressed rage. "My friend, huh? Isn't that kind of against the rules, Mr. Therapist? Aren't you compromising your precious objectivity?"

Hatori forced himself to be still. His fingers gripped the arms of the chair so tightly they left marks. He shoved himself to his feet, arms shaking uncontrollably as he restrained himself from doing something unspeakably foolish. His long hair fell down over both his eyes, leaving them in shadow, carefully neutral expression more telling than any furious snarl.

"You're a fool, Ayame. If you keep pushing away the people who love you, eventually they're not going to come back."

He turned on his heel and stormed over to the door, wrenching it open violently. Just as he was about to leave, he heard his lover's familiar voice call out from the empty anaesthesia of the hospital room.

"Hatori."

The man paused. He didn't turn around, didn't look back. If he turned around, he'd just break. He'd just fall to pieces, and the others needed him to be strong. _He_ needed himself to be strong.

"Don't tell Shigure."

Hatori said nothing. He closed the door quietly behind him. He couldn't slam it, not knowing exactly what expression would cross Aya's face at the explosive sound. He couldn't bear to think of hurting Ayame so, not even if he already had. Not even if he'd already done so much worse.

He walked down the hall, passing nurses, doctors, people like him, people so different it was like they were a different species. He slid out into the bright noon day sun, a perfect day, cloudless and clear. It didn't matter.

It was still dark.


	10. Mine Comes A' Calling

The second of the visitation chapters. Ayame is acting like a total ass, but there's justification for it, don't you agree?

Hope you enjoy it.

Jiia

* * *

The door exploded inwards with enough force to set it crooked in its hinges. A shrieking ball barrelled into the room, an absolute whirlwind of black braided hair and glimmering glass lenses. Mine threw herself upon the injured man, ignoring the belated protests of the assorted hospital staff. Only the strangled gasp of her beloved boss, unable to defend himself from her violent concern managed to convince her frantic mind to release him from her sobbing grip of death.

"Ayame-sama!! How could you have DONE such a thing?!" She wailed, her slender seamstress' fingers clenching in the thin fabric of his hospital gown. "How could you?!"

For the first time in a long, long while, Ayame was struck speechless. The beautiful man just sat there, staring at his shaking assistant. He blinked his large golden eyes, arms unconsciously pulling at the restraints as he automatically tried to comfort the distraught girl. He opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to be too shocked by his assistant's sudden arrival to form a coherent thought, let alone put it into words.

"M-Mine?! What are you doing here?!" He finally stammered, isolated patches of red flaring up on his pallid cheeks. "Who called you?!"

"Hatori-san, of course!" The girl sobbed, pressing her forehead into his shoulder. "Why would you do that to yourself, Ayame-sama? Why would you try and... and..."

He blinked again, red spots fading and then surging back, covering most of his face as his beautiful face contorted with impotent rage.

"Hatori called you and said I tried to kill myself, didn't he? God damn him!" He slammed his arms against the metal railing of the hospital bed, startling the woman curled up on his chest and making her scamper backwards. "I told him not to say anything!"

"But he had too!" Mine squeaked, suddenly more fearful _of_ her boss than _for_ him. "You can't just keep things like that a secret, Ayame-sama!"

Ayame ground his teeth together, practically snarling at the poor frightened girl. His delicate fingers curled inwards, perfectly manicured nails digging into his palms almost hard enough to draw blood. His entire body shook with rage and frustration at being strapped down when all he wanted to do was go forth and commit murder.

"I didn't try and kill myself! Hatori's just saying that because he wants to get me committed!" He snapped, slamming his battered arms against the rail again.

Mine blinked, backing up until her legs teetered on the foot of his bed.

"Wha...? But Hatori-san wouldn't do something like that. He's your friend!"

"That's what he said, too!" Ayame growled between grit teeth. "He says he's my friend, that he cares about me. Ha! As if that's even remotely true."

Suddenly, all the energy seemed to just drain from his body. He slumped back against the mound of pillows piled up behind him, what flickering light that had burned within his eyes disappearing, leaving them dull, lifeless. He seemed the very image of pain, hopeless and tired, so very tired.

"If he cared, he wouldn't have left."

For a long while, only the quiet thrum of the fluorescent lights broke the heavy silence that hung over the room. Ayame looked out the window, gaze unseeing, lost in some private hell where no one could reach him, not even his exuberant friend. She reached out a shaking hand to touch his shoulder, to try and provide some comfort, some assurance that he wasn't as alone as he seemed.

He slapped her hand away, hard enough to sting.

She left the room in tears.

Yuki didn't want to go to visit his older brother. He would really have much preferred doing his chemistry homework, or going to the movies with Mayuko. In fact, there was really very little that he wouldn't rather be doing than walking down the eerie bleach-clean halls of the hospital. But of course Tohru had to go, and Shigure wanted to come with her, and there was no way in hell he was letting that man alone with her, especially not with Ayame in the room. The only real positive about the trip was that Kyo had refused to come, giving the young man a few precious minutes without the annoying young man.

Although he felt considerably less pleased by this than he thought he would have. In fact, he wished the cat _had_ come, if only to have someone to talk to who wasn't in some sort of hysterics over his goofball sibling.

Tohru he could understand. She panicked over paper cuts. It wasn't at all surprising that a trip to the hospital would make her go berserk. Her trembling anxiety was more or less expected.

No, it was Shigure's badly hidden panic that really bothered him. The older man did a wonderful job of hiding the shear terror lurking just beneath the surface of his serene exterior. He wouldn't have been able to spot it if he hadn't been so accustomed to hiding his own despair. Once you realized it, however, it was everywhere, in every action he took. The way he put his hand on Tohru's shoulder, without any ulterior motive, as much to steady him as to steady her. The way he wouldn't meet Yuki's eye, avoided looking at him at all costs. The way his dark eyes glittered with the barest film of unshed tears.

It was horribly unsettling, seeing Shigure like that. He knew the two of them had been close, best friends and more besides, but he somehow couldn't see the dog getting that worked up over a little injury.

There had to be something more going on.

It was with an ever increasing sense of dread that he pulled open the badly hung door and unleashed the sobbing rice ball that was Tohru onto his unsuspecting brother.

The phone call had gone something like this.

"Sohma residence."

"Yuki? This is Hatori. Could I talk to Shigure for a moment?"

"Sure. He's in his office right now. Did something happen."

"... There's been an... accident. With your brother."

"What happened? Did he fall into a bucket of needles or something?"

"... He fell through a window. He got pretty badly cut up, and they had to take him to the hospital. He's going to be ok, but it might be a good idea if you went to see him."

"I'm sorry, Hatori, but it's the end of the year and you know how busy you get-"

"Yuki. Go see him."

"... Fine."

And then Shigure had materialized out of nowhere, saying something crude about not paying the telephone bills so he could have phone sex with one of his random groupies, and he'd thrown the receiver at the man, and went to go get his coat.


	11. Shigure Makes A Choice

The last chapter of hospital visitations. Written whilst feeling angsty and alone. Blame that for all the horribleness. The next chapter is very strange and sort of... Well, necessary plot advancement carried out without finesse or cunning. Many apologies, but I wanted to get a move on on this beasty.

With love, Jiia

* * *

There were several things with this situation that didn't make any sense to Shigure. Each and every one had something to do with the story Hatori had told him. Fallen through a window indeed. There wasn't a scratch on his beautiful friend. The only sign of injury was the white bandages encircling his pale arms. Falling through glass would have left him with nicks and cuts all over, not just on his arms. And then there were the restraints. Why would he need to be restrained if he'd fallen through a window? Despite the tenderness that had yet to fade from his nose, he'd never known Ayame to be violent. He highly doubted he'd deliberately try to hurt another person.

What bothered him the most, however, was the suspicious lack of people. Usually Ayame was surrounded by a loving horde. He'd expected Hatori at the very least. Walking into that room and finding it almost empty was one of the most unsettling experiences he'd ever had. Ayame was rarely ever alone, and for him to be alone while hurt and in pain was so strange and unsettling that he almost didn't believe it. He half expected Mine to suddenly jump out from behind a curtain with a bundle of flowers and scare the living daylights out of all of them.

But as Ayame fought off the inadvertent flailing attack Tohru sent his way, and comforted her as best as he could without his usual exuberant hand gestures, and exchanged the necessary pleasantries with his brother, no such event transpired. There was no one hiding in the bright corners, no one lurking behind the transparent drapes. Ayame was alone.

Yuki ran out of nice things to say. Tohru was still incoherent, big blue eyes shimmering with worried tears. It only took a look, and he was leading the girl out of the room, arm wrapped around her shoulders in a familiar way he probably would have teased the boy about if it had been any other day, any other place.

And then they were both alone.

"What really happened to you, Aya?" He asked, his voice little more than a whisper.

"Exactly what Hatori told you." The snake intoned, smiling a painful smile that had become all to familiar to the dog over the last few months.

"And what was that, Aya? Do you even know?"

The other man said nothing, empty smile dropping from his lips as he turned his gaze to the grey, rainy sky outside his window.

"Why does it always rain at times like this?" He mumbled under his breath, fingers playing idly with the edge of his blanket. "It should be sunny, but it isn't. It's like the universe conspires against you or something."

Shigure clenched his fingers at his side. He wanted answers, but he didn't know how to ask the questions. Not without unintentionally making the situation worse. He felt so useless, standing on the sidelines, watching the players but barely understanding what was going on. He wanted to help, but he didn't know how. He wasn't even sure what was wrong.

"I'm worried about you, Ayame." He whispered, voice so loud in a room so quiet that he wished he hadn't said anything at all, let alone something so predictable and meaningless.

"Aren't you all." The snake turned to him, smiling so sadly that Shigure felt part of his heart shatter and break. "You don't need to worry about me, Shi-chan. It was an accident, that's all. Nothing that can't be healed."

He should have stayed. He should have sat down in the chair next to his lover's bed and refused to budge until Aya finally broke down and poured out his soul. He should have rushed out onto the stage and forced them to give him a part. He should have insisted on being a part of this, this thing that was happening with his best friend.

But at that very moment, as he took his first hesitant step towards the man who was his best friend in all the world, he heard the girl who he had somehow come to love as much as the rest of them let out a choked sob, and knew that her tears had gone beyond simple fear for someone she barely knew. This dreary hospital had been the last place she had ever seen either of her parents. Of course a visit here would bring up things that even the all-powerful Tohru wasn't ready to deal with.

She needed him.

He turned on the ball of his foot and dashed out the door, taking the shaking girl in his arms and helping Yuki guide her out of the empty white halls.

The door stood open on an empty room and an empty man, looking out the window to a grey sky and thinking about correcting the mistakes he hadn't even realized he'd made.


	12. Release

A sort of in-between chapter. Necessary filler. Life has not yet settled, but there is still one chapter left before I run out. Sorry for the shortness.

* * *

Ayame was released from the hospital on the eleventh, four days after having been admitted. Stings were pulled, and no authorities were involved. Only the hospital staff who treated him and the strange trio who had been directly involved knew what had really happened to the beautiful man. Ayame kept up appearances, visiting all his friends and taking care of his customers as best as he could with the wounds still healing. Mine watched him like a hawk, never leaving him alone for a moment.

But even her vigilance faded eventually. As the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months. Yuki and the others graduated from another year of school, and spent a blissful summer together. Ayame's garden flourished, and they were soon treated to a round of disastrous jams and jellies and pies that they ate despite the charcoal and the bits of leaves. Ayame got a whole new wardrobe full of stunning long sleeved shirts cool enough for the sweltering summer days, and Shigure took a great deal of pleasure spending those warm evenings taking them off, always careful to avoid touching the ridged scars trailing down his perfect skin.

The memory of that strange month faded quickly, pushed to the back of minds and forgotten under a thousand other, more pressing issues. The younger generation went back to school, and went forth carving out their own place in the memory of that venerable establishment with an unorthodox, yet highly amusing play. Tohru continued to work her magic on the cursed family, and one by one their broken hearts began to heal.

And yet Ayame's ever present light seemed to fade into the background, a minor player in a drama that was so much bigger than just one person. The family surged ahead, and he was left behind. His scenes had finished. His part was over. He would undoubtedly appear later on, a token reference to a token character, second fiddle to the force of nature that was Tohru.

He was forgotten.

And yet he did not forget.


	13. Prelude

Apologizes like a mad person for not posting this on time

Now that that's over with... I believe that this is the last chapter before Click, which will be posted here. Anyways, life appears to be getting at least somewhat regular, which should mean continued chapters of this, at the very least. La Royame I'm not so sure about. I've started writing again at last, but all that seems to be rattling about in this stupid brain of mine is Pylar. I will do my very best to work on the things I need to work on, but there are no guarantees. This is me, after all.

With love, Jiia

* * *

A year had gone by.

One full year, full of nightmares and sleepless nights. A year of pointless meetings with Hatori, saying nothing he didn't already know, revealing nothing except what he wanted the man to see. A year without the blissful numbness of a blade cutting his skin, flesh peeling back, hot blood coursing over his frozen skin.

A year since the botched suicide attempt he hadn't been aware he was making.

He remembered how it had felt, to push the razor just a little bit deeper, to feel it pass through skin and muscle and hit vein. It had felt good, in the same way it always felt good. It made him numb, took away the pain that ate at his soul and made him wake up screaming. He had felt the touch of death that day, and it hadn't been nearly as frightening as he had imagined.

It hadn't been until he sat in his room alone, all his visitors having come and gone and left him on his own, that he realized what he'd done. He had tried to kill himself. He hadn't meant to, hadn't realized what he was doing until it was too late and he'd cut too deep to fix it with a band-aid. He could have picked up the phone, called 911, done _something_ to save himself.

But he didn't. He just lay back in the swirling red waters of his bathtub waited to die. It wasn't until Hatori's voice, Hatori's pleading, Hatori's angry desperation, that he had forced himself to act.

And even then, it was only to ask the other man to keep his secret, to make sure that nobody knew what he'd done. He'd wanted to leave good memories, not save his own sorry skin.

That had been his mistake. He shouldn't have fumbled for the phone. He should have just lain there, listened to the lies, and let himself slip away. It would have been so perfect, so beautiful. It would have been such a good way to go, randomly out of the blue and without any knowable reason.

Now it wouldn't be quite so sudden. After his death, the secret would come out, and they'd all know how much of a failure he really was. He couldn't even take his own life. What a loser. Never did anything right his whole useless life.

He couldn't leave good memories, not now. There would be no carefully sculpted image of him imbedded in the other's minds, suave and smiling. He'd just look even more pathetic than he already did.

That would have mattered to him a year ago. He'd have wanted people to love him, no matter what. He would have cared.

Not anymore.

He'd had one too many nightmares to care what the rest of their little cult thought about him. He'd woken up to the phantom burn of imaginary touches to think that what any of them felt for him was love. He'd watched too many people walk out the door to think he mattered to them at all. He was alone, and the only one who would notice his absence sitting in the his bathtub, going through the familiar ritual of taking the razor blade out of its protective case.

It felt just as good as ever. He didn't cut deep, not this time. It was eight days until the one year anniversary of his trip to the hospital. It would be so much better to wait, to drop hints and taunt them. To play a game with those who claimed to care for him.

In eight days, he'd sit back in his bathtub and press the blade to his wrist as hard as he could and watch as his life just drained away.

For now, he'd do just a little cut, not enough to leave a mark. No one would notice, no one would know.

And then the door burst open and Shigure waltzed in with a basket of flowers and what appeared to be a giant stuffed teddy bear in bondage gear.

"Well, shit."


	14. Click

Click

Hey, everyone! It's Jiia! I'm not dead! I'm so incredibly sorry for this absurdly long hiatus. Mostly because I said flat out that I would keep updating regularly and then totally didn't. I've got some explaining to do, and some unfortunate news that I must regretfully inform you of.

I'm just going to get right down to it. I'm going to take a break from fanfiction. Yes, you heard me right. Er... Read me right. I've already stopped writing and updating, and plan to maintain this until I work some stuff out. Therefore, this is going to be the last chapter you see for a while. Depending on how well my masterful plan works, this might be the last chapter I ever post. I'll undoubtedly continue to write it for as long as I live, but I need to get to a point in my life where I'm confident enough in my own abilities that I don't need the approval of every single person on earth. That's really what fanfiction is for me, a way to validate my own existence, sad as that is. I need to change that.

In any case, I'm sorry to leave you all hanging like this. I hope to eventually finish all my stories, one of these days. Thank you all for sticking with me through all this, and I hope to talk with you all again someday.

And thus we end where we began... Sort of funny how that works out.

With eternal love, Jiia

* * *

Dr. H: Thursday, May 31, 1993. 8:05 am. Dr. Sohma Hatori attending. Subject 492084, Sohma Ayame. Session number eight. 

Dr. H: Good morning, Ayame.

Subject: Good morning, Hatori. Are you going to try to shrink my head again? It would be wonderful if you did, because then all my hats would fit.

Dr. H: No, Ayame.

Dr. H: Ayame, you're bleeding. Did you cut yourself again, Ayame?

Subject: … Yes.

Subject: Don't look at me like that, Hatori. I hate it, you know that. And stop saying my name like I'm slow. It annoys me.

Dr. H: All right. How did you cut yourself?

Subject: A nail bit me. You know how the compound is falling apart. Akito really should get that place repaired more often.

Dr. H: Tell me the truth, Ayame. Did you cut yourself on purpose?

Subject: … Yes.

Dr. H: Why?

Subject: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Dr. H: Ayame, You've got to tell someone about this. You can't keep hiding it forever. If you don't tell someone, I will.

Subject: You don't have to get so grouchy about it, Tori-san. Gure-san found out yesterday. Now he won't let me alone. He calls me day and night and stops in for tea when I'm not expecting it. The attention is nice, but it's already beginning to get old.

Dr. H: How did Shigure find out? You told him?

Subject: No…

Dr. H: Then how?

Subject: … He walked in on me the night before last.

Dr. H: You were cutting yourself?

Subject: Yes…

Dr. H: Why, Ayame?

Subject: I don't know. To see the blood, I guess. I didn't really think about it. I just wanted to, so I did.

Dr. H: Did something happen yesterday, Ayame?

Subject: Not that I can recall. It was just a normal, hum-drum day at the shop.

Dr. H: Then why did you cut yourself, Ayame?

Subject: You're doing it again, Hatori.

Dr. H: Answer the question, Ayame.

Subject: Stop it! I hate it when you do that! I'm not stupid! I'm not mentally impaired! You don't have to talk to me like I'm some sort of basket case!

Dr. H: All right, Ayame, don't get upset.

Subject: I'm not upset! And stop doing that! Stop looking at me like that!

Dr. H: Calm down, Ayame. How am I looking at you?

Subject: I am calm.

Subject: You're looking at me like everyone else looks at me. Only you and Shigure never looked at me like that. And now you do. All because of my dirty little secret.

Laughter

Dr. H: And how is that?

Subject: Like I'm a freak. Everyone looks at me like I'm a freak. People on the street, people at the store, people at restaurants… Even Kyonkitchikun and my own brother. And now you two, my best friends. My lovers. How do you like that, Tori-san? You're fucking a freak.

Laughter

Dr. H: … You're not a freak, Ayame. No one thinks you're a freak.

Subject: Yes I am. I know I am. I look in the mirror and I know I am. I mean, it's not normal to be this attractive.

Laughter

Dr. H: ….. Ayame...

Subject: Turn that thing off, Tori-san. I'm tired. I want to go home.

Dr. H: Please, Ayame, don't go home. Go to Shigure's, or the shop, anywhere. Just don't go home and sit in the dark all alone. Don't say you won't, I know you will…

Subject: Aww, is Tori-san worried about me? How 'bout I come home with you, Tori-san? We could have some fun together.

Dr. H: You know I can't do that, Ayame.

Subject: Right. Conflict of interest. Can't sleep with a patient, but sleeping with them before their found to be insane is perfectly all right. What a system.

Dr. H: Ayame, please….

Subject: Oh, don't worry, Hatori. I'm not going to go home and kill myself. I'm too much of a coward for that. Now turn that blasted tape recorder off, I want to go home.

Sigh

Dr. H: All right, Ayame. Make sure to come back next week, o.k.?

Subject: Fine. If you want to see me so badly, I'll come.

Dr. H: Good.

Click


End file.
